You Can't Handle the Truth!

Oh, I think that Jack Nicholson was right on target with this one. Can we handle the truth? Perhaps a better question is, what IS the truth? The notion of a universal truth has been on my mind a lot lately. Well, actually, the idea that there is no universal truth is more accurate.

I have recently had the opportunity to reconnect with someone from my past that I have not been in contact with for many years. As we emailed each other back and forth about what we each remember, I was struck by how differently we recalled people and events. My truth is certainly very different from what the other remembers.

The truth of depression - what is it? Well, my truth is that it sucks. I don't like to be uncomfortable, and I fully admit that I am high-maintenance. I need creature comforts - my computer, cell phone, Internet access, purified water, wheat-free bread, and a decaf non-fat latte. I think this is why I have fought so hard to get my depression treated. I don't like the way I feel when I am depressed. I want to live my life, and when I am depressed, life comes to a grinding halt.

But for a long time, there was value in being depressed. Looking at what being depressed meant to me and why I would sometimes sabotage myself was pretty scary. I did it again recently, and it shook my world to the core. Here's why...
As part of my therapist training, I have been studying family systems. One of the theories that many therapists in this field espouse deals with how an individual will mold his or her behavior to maintain the homeostasis of the system. From this perspective, someone who becomes depressed or addicted or skipping school or generally "acting out" is doing so in order to divert attention away from the "real" problem in the family system. Here's a generic example: in the Smith family, 15 yr. old Suzy gets depressed. Mon and Dad take her to a therapist to get her "fixed". From a psychological standpoint that only focuses on the individual, Suzy is pathological. She has a problem that only she can fix, most likely with the help of meds and maybe some therapy. From a family systems standpoint, Suzy is depressed because it gives her parents something to focus on other than Dad's infidelity or Mom's drinking. This is not to say that Suzy is doing this on purpose; instead, many see this as a diversion tactic that is done on a subconscious level. If one is able to step back and look at this pattern from a bit of a distance, it starts to make sense. Have you even been in a situation that is really tense and someone will crack a joke or make small talk to help calm things down? The family systems viewpoint sees depression as something similar to the small talk - a way to redirect attention from the tense issues that may be tearing the family apart.

Now this is a very simplified version of a complex theory. But hopefully it gets the point across. My family was a very tense place with a lot of rules that could not be broken. One of the biggest rules was not talking about the alcoholism that both my parents were embroiled in. I don't know if they were ever happy together - I don't remember a lot of fighting, but they didn't seem to have much fun together either. Did I try to maintain the status quo in our family? Did my depression in high school give my parents something to focus on so that they could avoid the reality of their respective addiction? The very notion chills me to the bone. Did I really have that little choice in the situation? What ever happened to free will?

I can, and often have, argued with myself about this subject. Did a condition that has become so intensely personal to me start (at least in part) as a way to protect my family? I have tried to convince myself that there is no way this could have happened. After all, recent neuroscience research has demonstrated that depression has a biological basis. So it must be that my wiring got a screwed up and I just needed some medication to help patch up the short circuit, right?

Such an argument may have worked if it wasn't for my younger sister. She went through her own struggle with mental health demons too. And it just happened to fill the void my wellness left behind. My depression started when I was in high school. I started to "get better" after family therapy my sophomore year. I began spending a lot of time with my boyfriend my junior of high school, so I wasn't home as much as I had been the year before. Then little sis started having problems. She had always had a temper, but her tantrums became explosive. She ran after me with a butcher knife, tried to stab my fingers on the cutting board, got into physical altercations with the parentals. So off she went to the hospital and my parents went through the therapy routine with her too.

Now some people may argue that she wanted attention. On the surface, that may seem plausible. However, if one digs a bit deeper, the notion of family systems doesn't seem so far fetched. At the same time that my sister and I were having our respective issues, my family was indeed going through a very stressful time. My mother's mother and my father's father had died within the last three years. My dad's best friend died of cancer. My dad had been laid off, and my mom was looking to get back into the work force. We were struggling financially, cramped in a small house that didn't offer much privacy to anyone. My grandpa had moved in with us after my grandma had died. To top it off, my parents techniques for reliving stress consisted of yelling at their daughters and drinking Scotch every night.

This is not to say that many other families go through similar difficulties. In fact, that is the point. In the family system, all the members do their best to cope with the stressors the system is undergoing. Some turn to alcohol or drugs, others may become sexually promiscuous. Mom may become depressed and spend all day in bed, while Dad goes to the track and gambles away the rent money. Sister becomes an overfunctioner to compensate, and takes care of the cooking and cleaning, while little bro slacks off at school and starts to fail. I see it in my family, as well as the clients that I am working with. We all do the best we can to cope, but many of our coping techniques are flawed.

So where does the truth lie? I suppose that we each need to discover it for ourselves. For some people, depression is simply a matter of taking his or her meds. Others experience depression as a life-long pattern of struggles to overcome low self-esteem or abandonment issues. Those with dysthymic disorder may not even know that they are depressed. Depression may be a necessary part of existence for some of us - the paintings of Picasso and Van Gough would not have been the same without it.

To me, it appears that America has labeled depression as a medical illness that needs pills to fix. While the meds certainly are helpful for many, my truth says that the use of so many pills without exploring other contributors to depression is akin slapping a Band-aid on a festering wound. It may stop the pus from oozing out, but the real issue is not addressed.

More posts will come as I start to explore how we have come to view depression in our culture. I am in the process of redefining it for myself. I invite you to do the same. We can shape our reality, including how we dialog about issues surrounding illness and wellness. What does it mean to you?